Survival

In my life, there have been no major catastrophes, no major illnesses and no natural disasters, so am I a survivor? I think I am. I went through a period of hell, a time during which I wasn't sure if I would come back from. So yes, I survived and that makes me a survivor.

I have talked a little about my first relationship with my eldest son's father. I was home from my second year at university. I joined the local rowing club and amidst all the men in lycra, I was rather taken with one man in particular. It turned out that he was rather taken with me too. The heady summer and the prospect of my leaving for a year's placement in France, made it a very intense affair and by September, we were madly in love and I was really reluctant to leave.

I did leave and we had a very passionate reunion at Christmas time. Three months later, I found out that I was pregnant. That was a bit of a shock, not only to us, but to our families. Despite being practising Catholics, his family wanted us to have an abortion, but that wasn't an option as far as we were concerned. The timing wasn't great, I had another year and a half to go at university and he was due to finish in the summer, but with no job and nowhere to live, it was going to be a challenge. He got a job, we found a little house and everyone rallied round to help is with furniture and baby things. The following October O was born. An amazing little bundle with a shock of dark fluffy hair.

He was amazing and we settled into a routine but when he was born something changed. O's dad fell completely in love with him and completely out of love with me. It was like the boys and me on the outside. I always used to comment on the terrible way O's dad used to talk to his mother, with general irritation and at times utter contempt and I remember saying to him that I wouldn't be happy if that was the way he spoke to me. Guess what? That is exactly what happened. It was as though I annoyed him constantly. When I talked to him, he didn't listen.  It was like living with a different man. I couldn't drive at the time and as I was at home with the baby, I felt completely dependent on him.

It was a difficult time and I felt utterly helpless and in despair. He would put me down a lot and my self esteem and confidence were at rock bottom. Somewhere in amongst this, I realised that if I was going to survive, I had to go back and finish my degree. I did and it was a really tough year, going up to Manchester for three days a week and leaving my baby behind. I was also working at weekends and this seemed to be putting even more distance between me and them. I did a teacher training course, got a job and learnt to drive and then things started to slowly improve. A lovely group of friends helped me on the road to finding some self confidence and not long after that I left O's dad to make a life on my own.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  O's dad wanted to stay together for the sake of O, but I knew that if I stayed I would never be happy, in fact none of us would be happy.

We shared custody of O and I really enjoyed having my little boy to myself, to be able to do things the way I wanted without his father talking down to me and telling me I should be doing things differently. I actually felt for the first time that I had a relationship with O and although it was a difficult time for O having to deal with his parents splitting up, I felt liberated.

Then I met my husband and he is the most amazing man. He loves me for the person that I am, faults and all and he has worked really hard to rebuild my self-esteem. Twelve years and three children later, I am very lucky and happy and I look back at those years with sadness and relief that I made the difficult decision to leave.

Some people are survivors from much worse situations than this, but many of us are survivors in our own way, surviving from the curve balls that life throw at us from time to time.  It definitely makes us stronger and more determined.


I have written this post in support of Clic Sargent's Yummy Mummy Week to raise awareness and support children and young people with cancer. It is an amazing cause and if you wnat to find out more have a look at the website http://www.yummymummy.org.uk/ or if you want to help raise awareness by joining in with the writing prompts go over to Typecast and have a look at the many inspirational stories.